


i bet it happens at night, right?

by strikrjoseph



Category: Twenty One Pilots, joshler - Fandom
Genre: Cheating, Depression, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Relapse, Self Harm, aesthetic lowercase, bandmates to lovers, potential (maybe) smut, twenty øne piløts - Freeform, tøp - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:04:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7849735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strikrjoseph/pseuds/strikrjoseph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>after a terrible instinctual kiss, josh dun feels as if he's ruined his and tyler joseph's freindship, maybe even their band. will josh and tyler patch things up? will this ruin their friendship? will tyler and jenna remain together? i dunno read and find out come on an adventure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one: the interview

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first fanfic, if you like it lemme know. if anything needs fixed lemme know that too.

"what the fuck where you even thinking, josh?!" tyler half yelled half whispered to his now silent band mate.  
"i- i.. don't know" josh mumbled barely audible, but tyler didn't miss it.  
"you know i'm married to jenna, i love her!"  
josh was pacing now. rethinking the events that led him to this fight with tyler in the hotel room they were sharing with a couple other of their crew. 

it was an interview, maybe the last interview they'll ever do together, maybe their last interview period, and that was all because of josh and his stupid gay self. 

"..i really love josh, he's my best friend, he knows everything about me." tyler stated, answering a question josh hadn't paid much attention to, he was too busy staring at the perfection that was tyler joseph. just hearing tyler say that he loved josh, even as a best friend was too much to take by then.

see, tyler had been very clingy lately and josh isn't one to complain, but he was getting mixed signals. one night tyler would ask to cuddle because it's cold, and the next he would completely ignore josh murmuring something about going to sleep early before going to his bunk. but today, tyler had been extra touchy feely. if he wasn't snuggled up to josh, he was holding his hand, if he wasn't holding his hand he was playing with his hair, if he wasn't playing with his hair he was staring at him and josh was taking all of it to heart. 

hearing tyler say that he loved him was the last straw, he leaned in and kissed him, right there, live on some interview he was too lazy to remember the name of. tyler, completely taken aback, pulled away immediately. once josh realized what he had done, all he could do was mutter a simple "i have to go" and he shot out of the room. 

obviously the interview was stopped and tyler was left on the couch, completely dumbstruck.


	2. chapter two: it wasn't all my fault.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wasn't all his fault? tyler was angry now, how could he have any influence on josh kissing him when he knew he was married?!

"and that concludes our interview with twenty one pilots, i'm jenny, thanks for listening, tune in next time at 101.5 music you love, for more!" 

and with that, all eyes were on tyler, who hadn't moved a muscle since josh left the room. his mind was buzzing thinking of what he should do, if he should leave or clear things up. after the camera was turned off the room fell silent, waiting for someone to speak up, "so, that was live?" tyler broke the silence. "oh, well the audio, since it was being played on the radio was live, but the video was not-" she wasn't finished talking when tyler blocked her out and let his mind race again. everything was happening so fast, he needed to get out of there. mark spoke up, "yes ma'am, tyler would like you to delete the video, he's just a bit shook up right now." that was his que to leave. 

instead of using the elevator from the 8th floor tyler took the stairs. two at a time. he needed out of there, fast. he needed to think of what he was going to say to josh.. he needed to find josh and let him know that he wasn't too angry with him, he knows how sensitive he can be. 

once he exited the building he was hit with crisp, october air, tylers skin formed goose bumps at the contact. he wasn't wearing anything to keep him warm, just his usual black skinny jeans and a t-shirt that he wasn't sure belonged to him or josh. he made his way to the tourbus, knowing josh liked to be in his bunk to think even if they had a hotel for the night. 

at contact with the door, tyler was already hollering josh's name. "josh? you here? it's tyler, we need to talk man" nothing. tyler went to where the bunks were located to see that josh and his bunks were both empty. after checking around to make sure he wasn't there, tyler pulled out his phone and dialed the farmiliar number. after smiling at the picture and momentarily forgetting why he was so perturbed, he heard the dial tone. getting no response he left the bus and began the walk to the hotel. 

by 6:00 tyler's phone had died. he didn't think much of it, he never charges it and he had other things on his mind like finding his best friend. tyler made sure to search every store, bar and fast food place in the hopes of spotting that head of red hair, he had no such luck. 

he finally made it back to his hotel around 8:00, legs wore out and hopes down the drain. when he opened the door he saw that mark and a few other people were already there. as soon as they noticed tyler, they all pointed across the hall, saying josh wanted to be left alone. after grabbing the key from mark, tyler trudged across the hall and quietly knocked on the door. after knocking a bit louder and calling josh's name and getting no response, he took it upon himself to open the door.

letting himself in, tyler was greeted with a red faced, puffy eyed josh. josh looked up at him and then let his face fall into his hands. tyler made his way over to the couch where josh was seated, already trying to calm him down. telling him that it was okay and he just needed to talk. after promising josh numerous times that they were still friends, he finally calmed down and could speak normally. 

it was around 10:00 when the two had finally gotten the courage to acknowledge what had happened, josh being the one to bring it up. "look," he said, "i know i probably fucked everything up and you're going to be really hard to get over but i'll give you your space, ty. but really, this isn't all my fault and you know it." and that, is what set tyler joseph off. "wasn't all your fault?! last time i checked you're the one who kissed me, last i checked you were the one who threw your gayness all over a married man in front of 100 people!" tyler spat voice getting louder, speaking faster with every word. tyler walked out the door across the hall, and yelled out the question "who here thinks this is not ALL josh's fault? who thinks I had something to do with this mess!?" all of the crew raised their hands. tyler was in disbelief. josh had already made his way to the other hotel room. 

they had been yelling at each other for the past hour, two of the guys had went to the other room while the other four had decided it was time for this to stop. mark trudged over to where the band mates were yelling at each other and slapped both of them. and then said "if you two don't shut the hell up and let us sleep, a slap won't be the only injury you boys get tonight. either shut up or go to the next room!" josh said okay, agreeing that they should be respectful to the other people sharing the room. 

an hour later and the two were at it again, this time a bit more quiet. and that's how they ended up here.  
"what the fuck were you even thinking, josh?!" tyler half yelled half whispered to his now silent band mate.  
"i- i.. don't know" josh mumbled barely audible, but tyler didn't miss it.  
"you know i'm married to jenna, i love her!" josh was pacing now. thinking of what to say next, how to tell tyler the same thing he'd been trying to explain for three hours now.  
"tyler," he finally spoke, "how many times do i have to tell you, it was a mistake. yes i like you. yes i know you're married. yes i know you can't feel the same way. i know you love jenna and will never love me. i know i fucked up okay. i don't know what i was thinking. i don't know what i thought it would accomplish. i was acting on pure instinct. i needed to kiss you at that moment and honestly, i thought you wanted it. you know you've been throwing me mixed signals for the past month!" josh didn't really know if tyler wanted to be kissed or not then, but by the way he was acting now, he could tell he didn't.  
that was it. tyler couldn't take it. somehow during the whisper fight, they had gotten very close to each other and this was tyler's chance. he was in control. it was his turn. he could either tell josh that it was okay and that he forgave him, letting him know his true feelings, or he could push josh away from him and continue yelling until his true feelings came out. he was married to a woman for christs sake, had been for three years now. this was NOT the time for his repressed homosexual feelings to come out. they were wrong. and he loved jenna not josh. either way was a lose for him. 

josh was sick of fighting. tyler had called him every name in the book, faggot, gaylord, abomination, among other things and frankly, he was sick of it. josh had stopped talking while tyler was going on and on about how disgusting it was to kiss him especially knowing he's in love with jenna and josh had enough. in he middle of tyler's lecture, he turned away from him and went to the bed, got in and put his headphones in so he couldn't hear anything else from tyler. but what he did hear was the slam of the door signaling that tyler had went across the hall. too disgusted to even be in the same room as josh. that night, he cried himself to sleep. worrying about his friendship and the show that they had to play tomorrow. josh thought of himself as a major fuckup that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so, is this oaky? i don't know. i might delete this i knda hate it lol. lemme know if i should keep this going or not i guess. if you want then i'll continue. i'll post regularly. i dunno i might decide to keep it. i'm not even sure myself as the where this story is going so, come along the journey with me.


	3. chapter three: pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SELF HARM WARNING IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED EASILY REFRAIN FROM READING 
> 
> josh relapsed.

10:00 a.m. the next morning came all too early for josh. he awoke to mark shaking him telling him to get moving; they had a show to do later and needed to be ready. grabbing his phone, josh climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom to shower. he needed to wash away all the pain his best friend bestowed on him. he needed to cleanse his mind, pretend it never happened.

after getting into the shower, he tried his best to focus on the show, think of how he could make the fans believe nothing was up. they were really smart, hard to describe, observant. he thought of the bow at the end, would tyler even want to touch him? 

he wasn't ready to lose tyler and the best way to make that happen was to pretend. pretend he wasn't in love with his married band mate. pretend he was attracted to girls. pretend he didn't fuck everything up like he always does because he's an excuse for man who doesn't deserve to live the life he has. josh didn't deserve tyler. he didn't deserve to be in a band and he knew it. he had really crossed the line this time. "you're nothing but a fuckup, a fag!" josh replayed the harsh words tyler had thrown at him last night. if tyler said it, they must be true, after all tyler is.. was his best friend, right? soon, he was consumed with dark thoughts. 

he was out of the shower now, staring at his distorted image in the mirror. this was all too much for josh, he needed something, anything to take his mind off of it; to take the pain away. he grabbed the razor out of his bag. 

"tyler will never forgive me", one cut the blood was all too familiar. 

"he hates me", one more. 

"i don't deserve him", another, the crimson looked almost beautiful dropping off his skin. 

"i shouldn't be alive", four. 

"tyler doesn't want me here", five, a little deeper. 

"i'm a fuck up", it hurts so good. 

"i'm an abomination", i deserve this. 

"i deserve to die", eight, maybe ill cut too deep this time. 

a knock on he door tore him from his thoughts. "you okay in there, man? you've been in there for a while." it was ben, the guy who worked the lights. ben was a good guy, josh thought to himself. "yeah i.. just- i had to shave" he stumbled out, hurrying to cleanse the wounds that now littered his left thigh. he would be wearing pants tonight. 

|-/ 

tyler was shaken from his dreams to the sound his alarm signaling it was 9:30 a.m. he sat up, last nights events flooding back to him. he opened his phone, squinting at the brightness and decided to shoot josh a text, asking if they could talk later, before the show. he needed to get this off of his chest. 

after eating some cereal tyler hopped in the shower, deciding it was time to get ready for the show. he wondered if josh would want to talk to him, even make eye contact with him after all the horrid things he said to him during their fight. he hoped so, josh was his best friend. tyler was just.. angry. he knew that he had feelings for josh deep down but that couldn't be acted on. nobody could know. he was married. tyler joseph was not gay.  
tyler joseph was in love with jenna joseph. 

and maybe josh 

after he was done styling his hair the way he wanted it, tyler left the bathroom. he grabbed his room key and went on a walk to a small convenience store he saw yesterday and had asked josh to meet him at. they still had two hours before they needed to head to the arena. checking his phone and seeing that josh still hadn't replied, tyler felt a pang of regret.

hearing the bell chime overhead as he walked in, tyler made his way to energy drinks and grabbed two red bulls, on for him and one for josh. he paid for them at the front and went outside to sit on the sidewalk, awaiting his best friend. after a minute or so of waiting, tyler's phone began to ring. digging it out of his pocket, he saw a picture of josh, shirtless, sticking out his tongue and flipping off the camera. tyler smiled to himself before answering.  
"yeah?" tyler spoke.  
"hey, i uh, i don't know where to go. i'm on the road you said but i don't see any stores." josh said, confusion pouring through.  
"oh, well what are you by?" tyler asked.  
"uh.. paddys pub?" josh answered looking around  
"that's right around the corner, give me a sec ill meet you there." tyler ended the call. a bit relieved that josh had actually attempted to see him. 

once tyler had spotted the red haired boy, he knew something wasn't right. it was 87 degrees outside, why was josh wearing jeans? josh never wears jeans, not when they have a show, especially one that's outside. and that's when he noticed the seemingly permanent frown in place of his usual light-up-the-room smile. josh had relapsed, and it was tyler's fault. 

when they got close enough, tyler pulled josh in immediately for a hug. the energy drinks forggoten. he needed to know that it was okay. it was just a kiss. nothing more. certainly not something to do such a drastic thing over. tyler wasn't going to let this happen again. he may have been mad but josh was still his best friend. 

|-/

there he was. walking right towards josh with a knowing look. he knew. of course tyler knew, josh was good at hiding it but never when it came to tyler. it was like he could read his mind or something. the first thing tyler did was hug josh. josh buried his head in the crook of tyler's neck, and began to apologize. he apologized for kissing him, ruining their friendship, and breaking his promise. tyler was rubbing his back and telling him that it was okay, everything was fine. soon enough josh calmed down and they talked.  
"so, i guess that wasn't the best way to come out, huh?" josh joked.  
"nah, but it's okay. i don't think of you any different. you're still my best friend, but you need to know that i'm married. we can still cuddle and stuff if you want but, nothing can come out of it. i can't do that to jenna, i love her josh." tyler spoke, and it was true. he did love jenna but damnit he loved josh too.  
"yeah, i understand. thank you, for not hating me i mean."  
"i could never hate you, you're my best friend."  
it was josh's turn to hug tyler.  
"i'm sorry for breaking my promise, ty." he whispered, ashamed.  
"hey, hey it's okay. and don't you think that this takes away all the progress you've made. this doesn't erase the months you've went without self harm josh, you're strong. you can talk to me. remember, peace will win and fear will lose."  
"thank you." they sat there for a few minutes before josh got a text from mark, telling him that they need to come back, the show began in an hour and they needed to head to the arena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what i'm doing. 
> 
> lemme know what you think, your feedback means the world to me. 
> 
> point out errors please, i have nothing better to do than fix things up. make them better ya know.


	4. chapter four: it happened

"take pride in what is sure to die" tyler sang the last lines of the song, closing the show basically. he thanked the crowd, deeming them twenty one pilots, along with us, and hand in had, we took our bow. the crowd cheering, tyler's hand still in mine, i was ecstatic while walking off stage. the show had come to an end, and it was fucking awesome. 'tyler killed it, he was perfect as always. hell, we both killed it' josh thought to himself as he walked with tyler to the dressing room to wait for the crowd to die down so they could leave. josh wondered if they would play some video games or if ty would just want to talk to jenna, he usually calls her after shows that she can't attend to. once they entered the room it seemed that his question was answered for him; neither. as soon as the door closed, josh was pressed between the door and tyler.

josh looked into those big, brown orbs, his own laced with confusion, feeing tyler's hot breath on his lips. and then it happened. tyler closed the gap, the kiss was wet and sloppy, full of pent up emotions. at that moment there were only two things coursing through his mind, "tyler fucking joseph is kissing me" and "this is the best night in my life". josh felt like his body was on fire, he also felt very out of breath so he pulled back. the two stayed in that position for what josh thought was forever, until tyler stepped back. they were both silent, hoping the other would say something, anything. tyler stepped up to the plate "josh, I'm sorry, i really should not have done that" and thats when his heart broke. josh thought he was sad a day ago, but now he was devastated. just when he thought tyler had felt the same, when things were looking up, the taller boy had to kill his dreams. "but i really wanted to, i-i love you too" 

needles to say josh was shook. he has so many thoughts, his mind was racing.  
tyler loves me back.  
tyler is married.  
tyler kissed me.  
tyler has a wife.  
tyler is gay?  
josh was snapped from his thoughts by a shaky voice, "josh? please say something." tyler looked nervous now, maybe as nervous as josh felt. "i don't know what to say, ty. you're married but you love me? how will this even work? i mean, don't get me wrong, i love you, the kiss was great and you're fucking amazing but... you already said this can't go anywhere." josh voiced what was swarming through his mind. tyler's made a face, obviously deep in thought. after a moment of awkward silence, tyler spoke out "i can make this work. i love jen, but i love you too. I've always loved you. i was just, scared. i didn't know what you or my parents or any one would think." josh deadpanned. 'how will this work?' 'what is he thinking' "we can't just sneak around, risking jen finding out. i don't want to be a home wrecker man." josh said. 

they were sitting on the couch now, tyler had a suggestion, but he didn't know how josh would react to it. "well, i haven't told you, or anyone but jen and i are going through a rough patch recently. thats the reason she hasn't been coming to the shows, she uh, she cheated on me." josh's head was spinning,"i was thinking maybe we could take some time and try some stuff out with each other, pretend to be an actual couple and see how everything works put, go from there." and for what felt like the first time tonight, some things clicked together. why tyler had been extra cuddly and then a total douche, why he'd been so on edge and why he left the room to talk to jenna sometimes, he was never private around josh. maybe this would work, there was only on way to know. "okay, but just for one week. then you have to make a decision ty, me or her. i won't be put on the back burner and i will not be someone that you can fuck around with when you feel lonely. you know how i feel and i won't let you take advantage of that. after the week, whether we are together or not, you have to tell jenna." josh stated, his intentions clear. he loved tyler and wanted to be with him, but he wasn't going to a complete home wrecker, tyler needed to be honest with jenna either way. "okay? so, yes? you're willing to try things with me even though i was a total dick about you kissing me? rea-" tyler was cut off my josh, catching him a chaste kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why am i doing this? its so bad I'm so sorry. let me know what you guys think or what you think should happen and all the things i need fix i guess, thanks for reading this far, youre great. 
> 
> btw on what happened to tyler at the show filled me with indescribable devastation, he did not deserve that, nobody does. I'm happy that he is okay oh and 
> 
> HEATHENS WON BEST ROCK MUSIC VIDEO MY BBYS GOT A VMA!!!!


	5. chapter five: i love you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I've been gone for so long, ill try to update regularly now, just been going through some stuff. anyways, i hope you enjoy.

"i dunno," josh said in a sing-song voice, "maybe taco bell..?" it was their day off. the two decided that they would take a walk through the city they were currently staying in, dallas, texas.  
"you always want taco bell!" they both laughed as they made their way through town, walking hand in hand.  
when the boys made it to taco bell, tyler ordered while josh picked a place to sit.. which ended up being in the back corner in a booth. once he sat down, josh pulled out his phone and began scrolling through twitter. a minute or two passed before his phone buzzed "jenna jøseph XD imessage" josh wondered what was upas he hardly ever hears from her, he read the message. 'josh, i don't know if you've heard from tyler about our current situation or not but, he is not replying to me. i was wondering if he was okay?' after thinking for a minute, he speedily typed a reply 'yeah he's fine, we are at taco bell right now, i think his phone died a bit earlier, you know how he is lol!'.  
setting his phone on the table he looked up to see tyler staring at him with the smile. you know the one. where he's kind of in his own world and he looks genuinely happy about the situation that he's in. 'he's so adorable' josh thought to himself.  
soon enough tyler was bringing their food and josh couldn't be more excited. he would be trying the new orange vanilla float! as soon as tyler set the drink down he already had his hands on it. he opened the straw and it had to be a record of some sorts because tyler didn't even see him put the straw in before the was shoving the drink in tylers face, demanding he tried it. he had to admit, it was pretty good.  
"hey tyler, jenna texted me.." josh started  
"yeah? what did she want?" tyler replied, not really wanting to press the topic. josh knew why, he heard tyler yelling last night.  
"she said you haven't bee answering her. i told her that your phone died. you need to talk to her man, i know this is complicated but.. she needs to know you're okay." josh knew how much jen could worry, especially when it came to tyler. hell, they all worried about him.  
"i'll call her later." they finished their meals in silence. 

tyler and josh began their journey back to the hotel room after their meal, they were about a block away when tyler had an awesome idea. taking josh's hand, he made a quick right turn. "ty, dude what are you doing? the hotel is the other way," josh asked, slightly confused.  
"i know, but this is gonna be much more fun, jish, just go with it. pleeaaasee!" tyler gave him the puppy dog eyes and josh couldn't refuse.  
"okay, okay. but where are we going?"  
"you'll see."  
and with that josh let tyler drag him across a few streets until he saw where they were headed.  
once the brightly colored playground equipment came into view josh was ecstatic. he dropped tyler's hand, looked him in the eye and almost screamed "last one to the swings is a rotten egg!" the drummer took off before tyler could even register what he said, but he was hot on his heals. tyler managed to make it to the swings less than one second before josh did, and preceded to sit in the swing josh was headed towards. this caused josh to fall onto him, earning a few funny glances from others. the bandmates burst into a fit of giggles. after regaining his breath, josh started to get up, but tyler grabbed his arm and pulled him back down, wrapping his arms around josh as he leaned back onto his lap.  
the two sat together like that for a while, talking about anything and everything under the sun. they were happy. after a couple of hours that seemed to be minutes, the sun began to set and the two felt the chill of autumn for the first time that day. they decided to head back to the hotel before it got too cold, neither of them brought a hoodie. 

once they got back to the hotel room, they noticed it was strangely quiet for them to be sharing the room with 4 other men. "where is everyone?" tyler questioned.  
"i dunno.." josh walked into the kitchen, "hey theres a note on the fridge" he said.  
"what's it say"  
"well i don't know, i haven't read it yet."  
"then read it! whats taking so long" josh rolled his eyes.  
"oh my god. they got another room because they know of our 'situation' and want to give us some privacy. it also says that there are condoms in the top drawer beside the bed." josh summarized what the note said, turning red. at the end tyler busted out laughing which, in turn made josh laugh. tyler spoke in between laughs "maybe.. i think we... we should check... the drawer to see... if they really bought us some" he finally finished the statement. and with that they made their way to the bedroom and sure enough, in the top drawer of the nightstand sat a drum of lube and two boxes of condoms. "dear god how much sex do they think we'll be having" josh said. he was very red from both embarrassment and lack of oxygen due to laughing so much.  
"i don't know man but at least me have some privacy right?"  
"yeah, now we can do anything we want.."  
josh was looking tyler in the eyes, still smiling and breathing heavily. neither of the boys could tell you who leaned in first but they were kissing now. it wasn't a sloppy kiss, full of want and lust. no, this was a passionate kiss, steady and full of love. josh pushed tyler down to the bed and then slowly crawled on top of him, straddling his hips. tyler felt josh's tongue slide across his bottom lip, asking for entrance, it was granted. they explored each others mouth and began a fight for dominance that wouldn't have a winner. the moment was interrupted by tyler's phone going crazy. apparently it was turning bak on after being dead all day. josh let out a sigh and rolled over to let tyler grab his phone. once he looked at it, tyler knew what would happen next. he would call jenna, they would argue, she would hang up on him muttering about how he shouldn't be mad because she was drunk and felt a connection with the man, its not like tyler was giving her any attention anyways!  
tyler gave josh a look as if to ask him if he had to call her. "ty.. i now this situation is awkward, but to make any of this work you can't just ignore her. ill be here when you're off the phone, for comfort or to continue where we left off. your choice. now call her, she's worried." josh said, kissing tyler at the end for a little more encouragement, or for his own enjoyment.. whatever you chose to believe. 

"finally! god tyler i was beginning to think that you'd be ignoring me forever. what were you thinking? i was worried sick about you, just because we are fighting doesn't mean that i don't care and you know that!" he heard jenna say after two rings.  
"my phone was dead, i had a day off and i was in the city all day with josh. i just got home, calm down." tyler said already irritated.  
"don't tell me to calm down tyler. you know how i get and thats only because i know how you can get."  
"well it shouldn't matter anyways, you obviously weren't too worried about me when you were fucking brendon!" tyler almost shouted. "you know what jen, I'm tired of fighting with you. its always the same thing. we talk, we yell, you hang up. its like we are never going to love anything here. now you said in a message you had something to tell me."  
"oh.. well, you aren't going to like what i have to say, its going to hurt you and you're going to be even more angry with me but ill need you to hear me out until the very end."  
"okay"  
"well, to start off, I saw him again. a few weeks ago. i didn't tell you because nothing happened i just wanted to talk to I'm and that is that is exactly what we did. he left after an hour or so. but we gradually started seeing each other more and each time we got closer and closer until it happened again, I'm sorry ty. i.. i think i love him. that does not mean i don't love you, because i do i just, feel different about you. i feel like we should be best friends, not lovers. I'm in love with brendon. but i still care about you tyler. i need you to know that.."  
tyler was taken aback. he didn't know what to say  
"ty? please say something." jenna sounded desperate.  
"i have something to tell you too. I'm in love with josh. he kissed me a couple nights ago, I've realized my true feelings for him. we are trying out a relationship.. i was gonna tell you after about a week of testing the waters so i knew what i really wanted. now i see i don't have that choice, not because you don't love me in that way anymore, but because i am in love with joshua william dun. that doesn't mean I'm not hurt or that I'm not upset about everything that has happened between us, but i just thought you should know. I'm not that mad, i understand. i just.. wish things didn't have to end like this.. uh, are you gonna.. are you gonna move in with him or?"  
"oh.. so you're.. gay? i mean, I'm not gonna judge you or anything but, i just thought you and him were just friends all this time. i should have seen something like this coming i guess. and uh yeah, I'm gonna move in with him. by the time you get home i'll be all packed up and gone. I'm sorry tyler. I'm happy for you though, thanks for understanding. call me when you're ready. bye"  
"bye jenna, i love.. bye."

josh had tuned almost everything tyler was saying out until he heard his name. "..with josh. he kissed me a couple nights ago" and thats when tyler caught his full attention. "i am in love with joshua william dun" josh was smiling ear to ear at that but he also heard tyler say something about jenna not loving him anymore and that kinda hurt josh. this was such a confusing and complicated relationship. he felt bad.. he wanted to comfort tyler but he had caused some of this pain and confusion, maybe tyler was realizing that he shouldn't be with a boy, maybe he was gonna end things with josh and be with jenna.  
his thoughts were interrupted when tyler walked back into the bedroom, his face was blank, unreadable. tyler heard open his arms, silently asking for a hug and josh immediately obliged. tyler was crying, josh rubbed his back and whispered sweet nothings to calm him down. he guided them to the bed and held tyler in his lap until he calmed down enough to talk. tyler lifted his head off of josh's chest and cracked out "she doesn't love me anymore, she's in love with brendon. she's moving in with him, and we are getting a divorce. i should be happy because this means we can be together and have a real relationship but.. I'm so sad, devastated. i wasn't good enough for her. I'll never be good enough for anybody. i hate myself, josh. i can't do this anymore, i don't deserve you"  
"hey.. hey. don't say that ty. everything will be fine. you said that you'll never be good enough for anybody but that is not true. i love you tyler, you the most amazing person that i have ever met in my entire life. you care so ,such about other people that you put them all before yourself. you make everything better, even when things are going to shit, you make it all better. and as far as one of us not being worthy of the other, tyler you are way too good for me. you are such a good person, youre beautiful ty. i love you."  
tyler was crying agin, but josh kissed him anyways. it was messy, and salty but it calmed tyler down. tyler pulled away with a yawn and thats when they realized how late it had gotten. "you should get some sleep ty, ill be here all night if you need me, okay? "okay." they got under the covers and tyler snuggled up to josh, resting his head on his chest. josh was rubbing tyler's back while listening to him breathe, thinking about everything that had happened today when he heard tyler's voice. "hey josh?"  
"yeah ty?"  
"i love you too."  
josh fell asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, i hope you enjoy.  
> don't forget to leave some feedback, things that need more explaining, need to be rewritten, spelling errors and your opinions.  
> !!I AM SORRY FOR MAKING JENNA SEEM LIKE A BAD GUY SHE IS AMAZING IRL AND IS SUPER BEAUTIFUL. HER AND TYLER MAKE AN ADORABLE COUPLE!! BRENDON AND SARAH ARE ALSO AN AMAZING COUPLE BUT THEY ARENT TOGETHER IN THIS FIC OK THANKS
> 
> im also thinking about making a one shot thing bc i get a lot of random ideas and long stories lose my interest rather quickly, idk. 
> 
> lemme know what you think |-/


	6. it's happened again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> self harm  
> please, stay safe. 
> 
>  
> 
> tyler finds something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops  
> it's been 84 years  
> sorry

tyler awoke to the pains of pressure being put into his full bladder. josh's knee was pressing into him, while his arms held him close. tyler had an excrutiating need to pee, so he untangled himself from josh's limbs and rolled off the bed and headed to the bathroom.  
throwing away the paper towel he used to try his hands because there were no clean towels, he noticed something in the trash. something stained bright red. curiously tyler eyed it, not wanting to touch it as the item could have been left from someone else- they had been staying in a room with four others- when he remembered room service had already been by. and that is when the first tear fell. using the paper towel tyler picked up the item, and studied it. knowing what it was before picking it up. josh had relapsed- no he never stopped- and used this rag to clean his self inflicted wounds.  
"josh? josh, please wake up! please.." the first words that he could understand were those of tyler shocking him awake.  
"mm what time is it?" josh asked, rubbing his eyes.  
"3:02 am." tyler replied, monotonous.  
"hey, hey it's okay" josh sat up, bringing tyler into a hug  
"what's wrong?" by now he realized tyler was crying.  
"am i the reason? i was thinking how i am the one who caused you to relapse. i- i just wanted to know if i caused this too. i know i said i was sorry a while ago but.. i know you haven't stopped. i saw the rag in the trash when i went to the bathroom, josh, and i just need you to talk to me. if i am causing you this pain then please tell me so i can fix it. it hurts me so much to know that you're in pain.. especially if it's caused by me. i can't fix it unless you talk to me."  
josh didn't say anything, he didn't even look at tyler, he couldn't. he knew he should have hidden it better, he knew tyler would be upset. the pain in tyler's voice shattered his heart, the only thing that made him feel worse was that tyler was blaming himself.  
"tyler, no.. it's not you. i just have trouble expressing my emotions and this is the only way i know how and i tried to stop after that day but i couldn't it's an addiction and i don't know if i can ever stop but this is not your fault and you have every right to be angry with me because i know that i lied and i know that i promised i'd tell you and i just in so sorry tyler. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry." josh was crying, tyler could hardly make out what he was saying now but he was fairly certain he had reverted to 'im sorry' over and over again.  
tyler pulled josh into a hug in an attempt to calm him down. he tried his bet to reassure his friend that he did not hate him, nor was he angry. after all, tyler knows what it's like. everyone has deamons, some people just handle them better than others. and if josh was struggling, he would be there for him. he needed josh to know that.  
"josh.. listen to me. i'm not angry with you and i don't hate you. i'm just hurt that you didn't talk to me. you don't have to explain why as i understand. i know what it's like, but i want to help you. i need you, and if you keep on like this i could lose you and i can't do that. i can't lose you josh. i'm here to help you no matter what."  
josh didn't reply.  
"listen to me, if you're going to harm yourself again, you'll have to use my arm. every cut, every pinch, every morsel of pain you want to inflict upon yourself, you'll have to use my body."  
"tyler, you know i can't do that. i could never hurt you like that" and that's when josh understood. that's when he realized that he's not only harming himself, but the people that he loves.  
"i'm so sorry. i'll talk to you next time, i promise. i'm sorry i'm such a fuck up tyler. you deserve better." josh said, eyes welling up again.  
"i don't deserve any better, you're amazing and i'm here for your good times and the bad. i'm on this journey with you, until the end. you're my bestfriend josh, i love you." tyler spoke with so much passion and endearment that josh knew he meant every single word.  
"i love you too." he said after kissing tyler.  
"we should get to sleep, tomorrow is our last day off and i want to do something fun with you." tyler said with a yawn.  
josh silently agreed and with that, the band mates fell asleep in each other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay  
> so i'm back  
> no promises with regular updates but  
> here is something.  
> idk  
> should i keep going?
> 
>  
> 
> also sorry i was gone so long. i have some personal issues and demons to battle. i'll try to keep this moving.


	7. asylum called society

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tyler is not the only one who writes to escape his pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING 
> 
> please stay safe, guys. 
> 
> heavy topics through the entire story.

no matter what you say  
no matter what you do  
someone always has it worse than you.

you've had a bad day?  
dont you dare complain because your thoughts will be disdained  
and when you're finished  
your demons diminished  
and the dignities of society replenished  
because they'll remind you  
no matter what you say  
what you do  
someone  
_always_  
has it worse  
than  
you.

things going south at home?  
don't let it be known.  
they'll pick apart your cry for help  
and it'll forever be established  
as a grasp at attention.

don't mention you're depressed,  
who isn't when we're all so stressed?

times are hard?  
dont even play that card.

you've relapsed?  
well let's recap  
keep it to yourself  
put your emotions on the highest shelf  
out of their reach because you know they'll preach  
the same sermon  
until you've determined  
that no matter what you're going through  
someones got it worse than you.

anything it takes to convince you  
they'll say it to prevent you  
from overpowering your problems  
and leaving this asylum  
they call society.  
but what do you expect?  
you've got to be perfect  
yo prove that you're worth it.  
not to them,  
but to yourself.

josh scribbled the words onto his paper as fast as his brain vomited them out. he was crying but he knew this was better than the alternative; hurting himself and by default hurting tyler. he could not do that, not again- never again. so, this is the healthy alternative.

interrupted by a knock on the door and a voice calling out to him asking if he was ready yet  
josh quickly disposed of his writings into a drawer before answering that he was, in fact, ready.

he quickly gathered his phone, room key, and a red bull, then headed out the door to meet with tyler and spend the day with him like he had so graciously planned from the moment he got up until around 11:00 today. he wouldn't tell josh where they were gong n or what they were to be doing. the only thing josh knew is that he should dress semi formal but he absolutely had to wear his "i want to believe" t-shirt. he decided that with some black skinny jeans and some semi dress shoes would suffice. he was excited, yet nervous for this whole ordeal. this would be like... a date. with his best friend. his boyfriend. the love of his life. the person who if he says the wrong thing to could ultimately ruin his life, career, and all other aspects that make things enjoyable. with tyler fucking joseph.

once out the door, josh was immediately enveloped into a pair of strong, loving arms. "hey jishwa, are you ready for the best date ever?" tyler said in a happy voice. "well of course," said josh, "any excuse to spend time with you." that made tyler giggle and the whole scene was just too cute. josh had to learn in a peck his on the nose and tyler just had to grab his hand and lead him to the elevator and out to the limo he had rent- wait limo? tyler rented a limo?  
"ty, is this for us?"  
"well, yeah. who else? why? do you not like it? oh god you hate it i shouldn't have gotten it I'm sorry I've ruined the whole night" josh shut him up with a kiss.  
"no baby, no. its fine, i am just surprised is all. you did great, nothing is ruined. i love it. consider me thoroughly curios and excited to see where this night takes the two of us, doll." josh tired his best to calm tyler down, using his 'smooth voice'. 

the limo ride to wherever they were going lasted about two hours and was just full of josh trying to get tyler to give hie hints about where they were going or what they were doing but tyler knew all of his tricks and wanted to keep everything a surprise. when they were getting close, tyler told josh to cover his eyes and not to look until they were out of the car. josh did as he was told and allowed tyler to help him out of the car. tyler walked him a little ways until he told him to open his eyes, when he did josh was fucking ecstatic. they stood in front of a indoor trampoline park! "this is gonna be lit" was all josh could think. soon enough the boys were hand in hand walking through the doors and into the magical world of bouncing, flips and sick tricks! maybe this wasn't a typical date, but josh was excited and tyler was proud of himself... although this would not be the end of their fun tonight. after around three hours of jumping, playing dodgeball, showing off sick moves and learning how to triple backflip, tyler and josh decided it was time to leave... especially since the place was closing in five minutes. "tyler oh my god that was the best, you're the best." josh exclaimed with a smile on his face- still a bit out of breath. "anything for you joshy, but we aren't done yet. i hope you're still up for a bit more." tyler said while poking josh's belly, causing them both to giggle. "of course i am. what's next? also how will we get there?" josh asked, genuinely curious. "you'll find out," tyler spoke, taking josh's hand in his, "just trust me." and that set forth the hour walk through the woods to wherever the hell tyler was taking josh. as soon as josh was about to mutter the same four words for the 800th time, "are we there yet?" they came to a clearing and josh stopped dead in his tracks. looking around and taking the time to take in and appreciate what his lovely boyfriend had did for them. all around them were string lights and lanterns illuminating a small picnic sat on the bank of a beautiful lake where they would eat and watch the sunset. "ty... this is beautiful. i don't deserve this, man." "don't talk like that, of course you do. no, actually you're right, you don't deserve this. you deserve so much fucking more than this josh.. so much more. you're amazing and beautiful and my best friend and my boyfriend and i love you. i love you." tyler hardly got that all out without taking a breath. "i love you." was all josh could say. tyler took his hand and guided him down to the bank where the blanket and food resided. he silently thanked brendon for putting all of this together for him, he would owe him big time. josh began unpacking the basket of foods and laid them out so he could see what was in store for their dinner. spread out on the soft blanket was: one bottle of red wine no glasses a container of what josh knew to be brendon's homemade lasagna; his favorite meal two red bull's a loaf of cheesy bread and a box of condoms two forks and no plates. obviously brendon had helped tyler out. "tyler what the fuck" josh laughed out as he pulled the condoms out of the basket. "oh god brendon, why" they shared the laugh "what are we supposed to drink this with?" tyler asked. "i dunno, maybe just from the bottle, it's just us. or we could drink the red bull's now and have the wine at home." josh suggested. "yeah, we definitely need the energy from earlier today, good idea babe" tyler said causing josh to blush at the name. tyler opened the container of lasagna and gave josh his fork silently telling him to dig in. they ate in silence relishing the tasty food. after all the lasagna and half of the loaf of bread was demolished, the two boys lay back and look at the stars. after about ten minutes of comfortable silence, tyler sat up and took of his shirt. although josh liked the view, his curiosity got the best of him. "what are you doing?" "i'm gonna go for a swim. care to join?" tyler teased. "oh frick yeah, dude of course!" josh was excited. he loved to swim. after they were both stripped naked they walked to the edge of the water where tyler barely tapped his toe in to check the temperature when josh yelled out "oh my god ty look!" and pointed to a rope swing just two feet to the left of them. tyler's eyes lit up as he registered what josh was pointing to and raced him to see who could go first. it was josh but that didn't stop him from trying to take the rope from josh and ultimately failing. josh made his gigantic splash and tyler held up an imaginary score sheet and yelled out a "twelve!!" as his score. once tyler had flung himself into the water and emerged at the top, josh was no where to be seen. and that's when he felt something touch his foot. "aagh! what the fuck" tyler screamed. and then he was pulled under. flailing and trying his hardest to reamerge he finally succeeded in wiggling out of the evil monsters grip and was able to gasp for air. as soon as he breathed out, josh surfaced, laughing his ass off. "oh yeah haha laugh it up" tyler sulked, splashing josh. "oh it's on!" and that's how the splash war began. getting closer and closer, splashing harder and harder until they were right in front of eachother. josh called a timeout to catch his breath and tyler silently thanked him. once they both caught their breath it seemed that it had hitched in their throats simultaneously as they looked into each others eyes. neither of them know who leaned in first, nor who lead who out of the water and back onto the picnic blanket. but both of them knew where this was going. and they both silently thanked brendon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry i never write anymore, i feel dumb.  
> ~smut soon~  
> prolly next chapter ;)  
> thank god for beebo


End file.
